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:: Vampires Suck

It’s interesting that they use the word ‘Suck’ in it’s title… because ladies and gentlemen here is the film that I feel will be taking hope a barrow load of Golden Razzies this year. ‘Vampires Suck’ is so bad that I actually feel terrible classing it as a comedy; of course that’s how it is advertised but I sat through all 82 minutes of it and just raised a one chuckle (at a joke about Tiger Woods), I probably would have laughed at The Black Eyed Peas joke as well but I got that out of my system when I saw the trailer.

‘Vampires Suck’ is supposed to parody ‘The Twilight Saga’. Becca Crane (Jenn Proske) arrives in Sporks, Washington to live with her over-protective father Frank Crane (Diedrich Bader). Here she sees herself as a social outcast before she falls in love with vampire, Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter). Of course she must then also make a choice between him and ‘shape-shifter’ Jacob White (Chris Riggi).

The writer/director team of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer (‘Disaster Movie’, ‘Meet The Spartans’) has certainly fallen away over the years. The pair rest on the laurels that their first two films, ‘Scary Movie’ and ‘Scary Movie 2’ were two of the funniest parody films ever made… but ever since they put their name to ‘Scary Movie 3’ their careers have just fallen away… they simply haven’t made a funny film since. But ‘Vampires Suck’ is a new low again… it is awful it isn’t funny. These two don’t deserve to ever be asked back to write or direct a film again… they lost that right a long time ago.

They had a worthy ambition, the ‘Twilight’ series sets itself up for parody, but Friedberg and Seltzer’s gags miss the point entirely. Gag after gag falls flat on its face and you find yourself groaning rather than laughing. Perhaps a better way to parody ‘Twilight’ would have been to place the characters of Becca and Edward into plots from other films. Yes there are a few throw gags aimed at ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ and ‘Alice In Wonderland’ but they really don’t work. The other big weakness in the comedy of the film is that if you live outside of America than chances are that 80% of the jokes will go completely over the top of your head.

I feel most sorry for the lead cast – Jenn Proske and Matt Lanter parody Bella and Edward really, really well so it is shame that they have to put up the crap script that they had to work with – they really deserved better. And being a fan of Diedrich Bader ever since his ‘Drew Carey’ days meant I nearly cried seeing such a talented comedic actor slumming his way through what has to be one of the unfunniest comedies that Hollywood has ever produced.

Don’t even think about seeing ‘Vampires Suck’ if you haven’t seen the ‘Twilight’ movies… in fact don’t even think about seeing it at all… instead save your money and go do something that will be less painful for you – like having dental surgery without the anesthetic.